Yes, they have been announced. Some people love the Oscars, some the Grammy' s and some the Darwin's.. In case you didn't get them, here are the annual Darwin award winners.... Just in case you haven't kept up, these are the "natural selection" awards---something you DON'T want to win. And do note that alcohol use increases your odds of winning.
For those of you who are not familiar with these, the 1996 winner was a man who attached a jet engine to his vehicle and ran himself into a cliff. The 1995 award was given to a man who attempted to get a free coke out of a coke machine by shaking it. He shook so hard that the machine fell over on him and crushed him to death. Notice the lack (one added out of spite) of female representation in these awards. Let's keep it that way. The 1993 winner was the all time classic of the LA man who went to 20,000 feet in a lawn chair attached to some weather balloons armed with only a six pack and a shotgun. He lived to tell the tale, unlike some other winners.
The 1997 Darwin Award competition has announced its runners up and winners. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note, there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an individual sport.
Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winner:
#7 - From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, and the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it; the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... Under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ month payments.
#6 - [AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!
5th runner-up: A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store-paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag (buck) standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the .22 cal. bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it, said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that, Payne said. 1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but hit him in the head instead. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. (DUH). Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district Attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H. .... and now, this year's winner....: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated where it shouldn't have. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick inside him, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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