How to drive in Melbourne
by Vic Rhodes

To our Melbourne customers we apologies but this really applies to any big city in the world. Mind you, being from Sydney, every time I drive in Melbourne I find…..

1. Indicators - the sole purpose of indicators is to annoy people. Ideally, when suddenly changing lanes, they should not be used at all. If you feel you must use them when you cut someone up, wait until you are completely in the new lane then flash your indicator once. If someone from out of town makes the mistake of indicating before changing lanes, accelerate hard into the gap and give them a look as if to say "what are going to do next, molest my children?" Always indicate the wrong way when going round roundabouts.
2. Lanes - the general rule is to drive in any lane you feel like but to drive fast in the slow lane and slow in the fast lane is preferred.
3. Overtaking - overtaking is the purpose of life. If somebody overtakes you, go home and shoot yourself.
4. Wear a baseball cap when you drive - this makes your car go faster
5. Always wear sunglasses - even at night.
6. Handbrake - the handbrake should never be used and the major manufacturers are thinking of removing it from Australian cars.
7. If possible fit extra brake lights/strips so you can really blind the driver behind you when stopped at traffic lights.
8. Types of car - Men should drive either a Holden Commodore or a Ford Falcon, preferably a ute. People with no penis should drive a smaller, more effeminate car. However this gives every right to Commodore and Falcon drivers to pretend your car is invisible and drive accordingly. People who live in the inner south-eastern suburbs such as Toorak should drive four wheel drive vehicles as these areas are prone to heavy snow falls and mud-slides.
9. U-turns - try to fit a few u-turns into your journey however unnecessary they are.
10. Trucks - don't f*** with trucks. Cars are on a par with cigarette butts in the urinal to them - mere playthings. Most truck drivers drool and are incapable of eating a meal that involves using a knife and fork.
11. Traffic Lights - a red light doesn't actually mean stop unless you would be the fifth car to go through. Never wait for the lights to change to green as you can usually creep to the other side of the junction without anybody noticing. When the green finally comes put your foot to the floor so you can arrive at the next red light before anybody else. Just before you stop at the red light, change lanes as often as possible. The police award commendations to drivers who manage to change lanes 4 times and get back in the original lane even if it is just to get ahead of one car.
12. Giving way - never give way, as it is a sign of weakness. If someone gives way to you never acknowledge it. Instead give them a dirty look as they are probably a homosexual trying to pick you up, a communist or a supporter of gun law reform.
13. Taxis - taxi drivers own the roads so can do whatever they want to. Despite this they will never take the most direct route to where you want to go. After all, how can they think about directions when they are gesticulating at other road users and swearing at the passengers in Greek/Italian/Liberian because you have caused them miss a trip to the airport.